I can’t sleep..my boyfriend is passed out next to me in bed and I work in 4 hours…I haven’t slept since 11am yesterday…which isn’t that bad but I work an 8hr shift tomorrow…hopefully I get off early…
I’m not even sure what I’m doing here…like what’s the point? I could have been in love by myself in my own bed and distracted by the darkness of my room instead of just sitting here like I’m invisible next to a guy who supposedly loves me??? Wtf
Apparently I’m pointless and invisible while he can’t have sex with me…one word text messages and not a single loving or sincere remark since I’ve been here…
I woke up 2 hours later than if originally planned…it doesn’t help that I was up til 4am arguing with my boyfriend via text message and I didn’t stop crying until I forced myself to turn off my phone…but then I started “coping” and I woke up a few hours ago..I thought a shower might help but it didn’t..I’m still as sad and scared as I was last night…if not more…I don’t think ill ever be happy…I’m always going to find something wrong with the situation and freak myself out and I’ll get anxious and agitated and we will fight again…If there’s even an again…I’m really foolish.
I feel like calling you but it’s 4am and you might be asleep…and it’s not my right to waken you or even turn to you for help…I miss when you’d get mad at me for being an emotion irrational wreck but would take the time to listen to me and talk me though what you could…how you would give me insight on things I never noticed before..and idk…I just miss being around you..
When you are telling a girl that she reminds you or you are somewhat similar to another girl in their life said girl will constantly be comparing herself to that other girl..or she will be wondering if that girl is better in some way than she is…idk we are all individual snowflakes and while there are traits that carry through the female gender…we don’t want to be told how we are like someone else…like I don’t want to be the Beyoncé…I sometimes want to be the Kelly Rowland or Michelle Williams or the twelve other lost members of Destinys Child…not everyone wants to be Beyoncé and not everyone wants to be told how “same” they are
Everytime shit gets hard I want to quit and give up because I’m slowly losing the ability to keep my head up nowadays..and I’m finally realizing the downward spiral my life has taken…I work out and have a mediocre part time job..and I have a loving boyfriend..all things I appreciate and am thankful for …but I feel like none of those things add sustenance to my life..they’re so empty and like they don’t define me as an person…not that I even know who I am apart from Joseph’s girlfriend..and maybe that’s not healthy but I’m not actively trying to “find” myself or anything..I also see myself constantly depending on him for support…and he can’t always give me the emotional support I need but it’s mostly cause I don’t fully open up or give him the time to see how depressed I get or the ways that depression decides to present itself…there are so many times I look at where I cut myself and I sicken myself with how much I miss actively destroying my physical self…I constantly feel like crap or I feel nauseous and when I’m in my car late at night I remember a few years ago when I realized how unsafe I was to be by myself and I was forcing myself to spend time with friends and family…because every time I was alone id pray for an opportunity to die…and I haven’t felt that extreme in a while…but I sometimes wish id get murdered or like hit by a train or get into a car accident or like fall into a coma or something
am I the only person who says ‘ow’ in surprise even if what happened didn’t remotely hurt me